The Bus Fart Olympics

via Kijiji

Backus Packus Breakus Windows

Continuing with the recent backpack themed stories, here's one from Erik:

I was riding a half empty 11 down Portage Avenue several years ago. It was summer. It was hot and the bus had no air conditioning.

There was an annoying fly flying around the bus, landing on sticky, sweaty people causing them to pause from fanning themselves to brush the fly away.

There was one woman sitting up at the front in the sideways seats who was more skittish with the fly. She swatted furiously at it whenever it got near. Eventually it landed on the window next to her so she swung the large backpack that she was holding at it, trying to squish it on the window. She missed.

Her backpack must have contained something big and heavy because when it hit the window it made an incredible bang. It cracked the window in several places. The bus driver hit the brakes, leaned back and asked, "What the hell was that? I thought someone threw a brick at us!"

The woman hugged her backpack closer and got off the bus at the next stop with her head down. The fly continued to buzz around the bus landing on the sweaty, sticky people and the broken window.

Backus Packus Breakus Bones

This story seems to be in a continuing series of stories about people paranoid of backpacks. Here's an anonymous story about one such event:

This is probably the most boring story ever. I get on the 11 to go home from class last week and I had one of those shoulder bags where the flap occasionally flips open. The bus was packed because it was just after 5, so I stand in the very corner near the flip up wheel chair seats.

Beside me, there's a woman who appears to be 80-85 talking to a man about the same age about how "mothers with strollers get respect on the bus but old folks with walkers and canes don't." (She happened to have neither.)

So the bus stops and slap of my bag swings forward and his this woman's knee. She goes "That girl's bag must way 20 pounds and hit my fractured knee!" Everyone watching knew it didn't so I just ignored her.

The second time, the bus stops and the flap hits her leg again so I go to hold it closed. She goes "Excuse me, I already have a fractured rib, I don't need a fractured knee!"

Well, I had to get off at that point because everyone was staring at me and I was embarrassed as fuck.

Spiders! On the Bus!

Here's a story from Kenton:

A few months ago, I found myself sitting behind Little Miss Muffet on a Winnipeg Transit bus.

I knew it was her, because she was wearing a sleeveless summer shirt, sensible shoes, and a big, black spider on the back of her neck.

No kidding. 

I looked a bit closer to make sure it wasn't a tattoo - it wasn't - and I weighed my options. Should I: 

• Brush it off;
• Blow on it;
• Squish it with my hand;
• Hit it with something;
• Tell her;
• Wait and see;
• Do absolutely nothing?

Having touched strangers' necks in the past and regretted it, I settled on just telling her, which seemed like a decent middle-ground thing to do. 

"Excuse me, young lass," I said, "but there appears to be a spider on your neck."

She sprung into the middle of the aisle, jumped up and down, screamed "Jesus Christ!" and flung the poor bastard across the bus. He never knew what hit him.

She dropped back onto her tuffet and hyperventilated.

I got off the bus, and as it pulled away, I whispered, "And she didn't even get a chance to thank me."

Caught on Tape Madness

I just took a quick look on youtube to see if anyone had uploaded any interesting videos related to our favourite transit system, and lo and behold! I haven't checked in a while, so it was quite surprising to find these. Here are 3 WTF Winnipeg Transit moments, caught on tape.

Here is some guy getting randomly beat up by a guy who looks like he just wandered out of a cave:


Not sure what the story is here, but here's a video of a guy getting arrested on the bus:


And finally, here's some awkward video of a girl serenading the 11 Portage passengers in song:

Transit Chivalry

Here's a positive story from JG about a nice old-school gentleman on the bus, when does this happen?

Many years ago in the spring, riding the 16 to Southdale I stepped onto a full bus. The only available seat was covered in mud from someone's shoes. The teenaged boy sitting on the other half of the seat was a true gentleman. He looked at me & then covered the seat with his duo-tang so that I could sit without getting mud everywhere.

Back Door = Busdriver Urinal?

Here's a weird story from Randy, I want to believe this is real, but either way it's a great story!:

My Father now deceased retired from Winnipeg Transit in the 80s but he left us with some hilarious stories. Here's one of them. He said on some routes there were no bathroom facilities for the drivers and at the end of the route they would open the back door slightly and relieve themselves from the steps when there were no passengers on the bus of course. As the story goes my Dad peed out the back door one evening and went back to the driver's seat. After he was settled a well dressed lady got on the bus rubbing her wet left shoulder and told my Dad he should check his bus because liquid was leaking from the side by the back door and she got sprayed when she walked by. Of course my Dad knew what had happened but he got off the bus to check the situation and came back to tell the lady he could not see anything wrong. He then proceeded to take the lady to her destination probably smiling all the way.

Pennies Everywhere!

Here's another story from Chris about a regular on the 47:

A regular looking guy got on the bus, and opened his very full and large coin purse to pay the fare.

The bus suddenly accelerated, and he lost his footing. He fell to the floor, dropping his open change purse. His money flew all over the place. He spent the next 30 minutes crawling around on his hands and knees looking for every last penny. He was reaching under people's legs, crawling under the seats.. and nobody said anything.

Image via @ Hidden Images

Smells like Pee!

Here's an unfortunate story from Amanda. Again, I think it's time we invest in public toilets:

Our office moved to a downtown location two years ago so most of us now, after many years driving, take the bus to and from work. Quite a culture shock, and one that comes with many stories. At first there were daily stories from everyone, but we soon realized most of them were just daily bus routines.

Rarely do I find the nonsense on a bus funny because I hate being on there to begin with and these things only emphasize this. One ride, however, was hilarious and I couldn’t stop laughing and I was by myself!

I got on the 11 in front of city hall. I got my own seat so was pleased with that. An elderly gentleman got on shortly after and sat in front of me. He sat in the aisle half so no one else could sit with him. This poor man clearly had recently wet himself and the smell was strong enough to make me gag. I had my hand over my mouth and nose. The bus got full to the point where there was standing room only. At one stop, the person beside me got off and the smelly man in front got off. Two younger fellows sat in the old guy’s seat chatting away to each other. Then one said to the other “I smell pee”. The other guy said “me too”. Then at the exact same time they both turned around and looked at me!

I burst out laughing, mostly because their shocked expressions were so funny. I said it was the man who sitting there before them and they both jumped up and moved to the back of the bus.

Another person sat beside me. And there I was not being able to stop laughing to myself. I would finally stop laughing and then I would picture those two guys' faces and I'd start laughing again. All the way to Polo Park. The guy who just sat down had to have smelled the pee and must have thought I peed myself laughing. I bet he had a bus story when he got home!

Don't Spill the Beans!

Here's a sad story from Ron:

On a blustery day in February, I was seated on the Academy bus about midway. A man got on at CityPlace lugging a large crock pot. By the way he was holding it -- trying to keep it level --it apparently was full. He made his way gingerly to the back of the bus and out of my sight. My immediate thought was, "this is going to end badly". Sure enough, the bus lurched forward and the scream of "oh f***" cannonaded through the bus. I looked down and saw a stream of brown liquid loaded with barley and carrots flowing towards the front of the bus, slowing surrounding my feet. I closed my eyes for the long ride home.

Trapped under the seats!

Here's a very sad short story from a Retired Bus Driver, poor lady!

I was the driver of the #16 on a summer afternoon, and a drunk woman fell asleep on my bus. As I went along my route, she slowly slid under the seat and was stuck and could not get out. I had to call am ambulance to free her from between the seats, much to the amusement of other passengers!

New Year's Poop

Here is a very descriptive story from Jenny about a bunch of guys fawning over poop on the bus:

On New Year's Eve in 2008, I caught the 11 heading downtown. I grabbed a seat near the middle of the bus, closest to the doors. Behind me, I could hear a bunch of young guys commenting on their friend's disgusting, yet impressive, accomplishment of taking a shit directly on one of the bus seats only moments before. Their conversation was full of comments like, "That's totally sick, man," and, "I can't believe you just did that." However, they must have been rather proud of this feat, since they remained sitting in close proximity to the crap, as if it were one of the guys who was joining them on their New Year's adventure.

This was taking place only two seats away from me. I was terrified, although tempted, to turn around and look at the spectacle unfolding. Since the odor had graciously not yet wafted in my direction, I decided not to turn around for a peek. The description of the turd and the nervous repulsion of the passengers nearby was enough to paint a pretty detailed picture in my head. Now it's in yours.

Boobs To The Face

Here's an awkward moment from BusRider38:

Much like the amusing butt to the face story I have a boobs to the face story. I was on a very backed route 62 headed downtown. I was standing up and letting others sit because it was one of the few times my legs were not hurting. After a few stops the bus thinned out a little and a seat opened up in front of me. The LADY standing in front of the seat seemed engrossed in conversation with her friend standing more to the front so I decided to sit. Just as I was bending over to sit down, her friend noticed a couple of seats that had emptied at the back of the bus and she turned around. Smacking me right in the face with her boobs. I dont even know the proper etiquette, do I say sorry? Does she say sorry? Do I thank her? Or do we both just go completely quiet as does everyone around us? Apparently we all opted for the completely quiet.

The Stocking Slip-up

Here's an embarrassing story from Mona:

Many years ago when living in Winterpeg, I was on the way to work from the north end, still half asleep, clinging to the overhead bar, waiting for my stop on Portage Ave.

In my stupor, I sort of wondered why everyone around me was giving me a wide berth and whispering to each other. I finally got off the bus and proceeded down the street. I had this creeping feeling that people were looking at me differently than usual.

Finally, a woman stopped me to tell me that one leg of the pantyhose I had taken off WITH MY PANTS the night before was dragging on the sidewalk behind me as I wended my way to work. I looked down and realized I had put on new pantyhose that morning not realizing yesterday's was still stuck in one leg and had fallen out but not all the way out. How embarrassing.

The Fare Box Flub

I've never really considered that people from out of town would have this problem, but here's a story from Kevin about trying to navigate the whatchamacallit thing that you put your change into:

I had just moved to Winnipeg and it was my first time taking the bus since I was a kid in Brandon, so I enlisted in the help of my friends to help me understand the rules of taking the bus and the etiquette that was expected.

"Do you still need to have exact change?" was one of my questions. "Do you have to hand the bus driver your money, or do they still have those tall cylindrical-type things that you put your money into?" "The fare box," they said, "Yeah, they still have those. Just put your money right in."

The next day I stood waiting for the bus with $1.65 in exact change in my hand. The bus arrived at my stop, the doors opened and I stepped inside. I said hello to the driver and my eyes quickly darted around, looking for where to put my money. I saw the fare box, the tall cylindrical object that holds the money, and I proceeded to dump my coins into it.

The money didn't all go in. I was able to push the dimes through the little hole at the top with my fingers, but for some reason the quarters weren't going in. Instead, they were resting on the top cover. I started to panic. I tried again to jam the quarters into the fare box with my fingers, but it was still of no use. At this point, the bus driver turned to me.

"Hey, that's my coffee!" he said. It was then that I realized what I thought was the fare box was in fact the bus driver's coffee in a tall metal thermos, and I had just thrown a bunch of loose change into it. The actual fare box, a large metal and glass container, was just a few inches from the coffee. "Y'know, I don't take tips," the driver said.

The driver could tell I was obviously flustered and simply said “Don’t worry about it.” I scooped up my money, minus the dimes that were now swimming around in the bus driver's coffee, and dumped it into the fare box (the real one this time). I quickly and quietly apologized to him, asked for my transfer, and embarassingly took my seat.

When Nature Calls

Here's a pretty hilarious story from Jen, it's true though!

So these two ladies get on the bus, and one of them is kind of talking to herself, but it seemed like maybe she was talking to the lady she got on the bus with. They sit down, and then the lady who was talking to herself starts talking very loudly about how she had to go. Repeating over and over "sometimes you just gotta go!", "I need to use the washroom!", and my personal favorite, "nature is calling!"

I was terrified that I might see this woman pee her pants. But she decided to get off the bus and hit up a coffee shop's bathroom. Thank goodness.

The Drunk Busdriver

Years ago, I was taking the 10 Wolseley downtown to my friend's house who lived on Kennedy near York. Everyone else got off the bus at Osborne, so it was just me and the busdriver. For those who have caught the 10 downtown, you will know that the bus will sometimes sit at the stop by the Legislature for a few minutes to catch up to the schedule or take a break. So there I am, sitting alone on the bus...

20 minutes go by and the whole time I'm thinking, "Geez, I should have just walked! It's only two stops away", but then I'd think that any second now he's going to pull away so I might as well stay on the bus. But then another 10 minutes went by, I had it and got off.

I walked along the bus route to my friend's place and sure enough, I'm not a block away and the bus passes me! But what makes this story interesting is when I turned the corner on to York I was shocked to see that the bus had missed the turn onto Vaughn and crashed into an office building! I ran to see if the bus driver was ok and when I got to the window, he was in a daze. He then grabbed a big bottle of whiskey, whipped his head back and started chugging the whole bottle of booze!

This was before I had a cellphone, so I didn't call it in but I figured this busdriver would be in enough shit already when they find him drunk behind the wheel, crashed into a building.

And for the record, this guy was not fired - I saw him a month later driving the 10 and the same thing happened that he was just sitting at a stop and not moving. This time he stunk like rotten fish. When I got off the bus after I had enough of waiting for him to move, I walked to the front to see what he was doing and he was taping pictures of random people and kids to the window beside him.

The Polite Public Pooper

Here is a disgusting story from Randy... I think the transit is slowly becoming the answer to the lack of public toilets.

I was heading back downtown from Kildonan Place on a 47, doing some reading, listening to some music, and paying not much attention to anyone else. Before we even got to Stapon, I smelled a stench so foul as to make it impossible to concentrate on my book.

I started looking around and there was a very dirty man wearing a two ripped coats and a few pairs of ripped pants. I had some serious doubts that he could be throwing off such a smell as to make my eyes water on the other end of the bus, so I did my best to ignore the smell.

A few stops later, the suspect rang the bell and got off of the bus, carrying a plastic bag full of his own shit. He had managed, while sitting almost directly next to the driver, to pull his pants down, shit in a plastic bag, pull his pants back up, and neatly tie the handles together.

When I got off of the bus, there was no evidence of any spillage. Clearly, this man has had significant practice at shitting in plastic bags on moving vehicles.

The Sleeping Pillow-People

This story comes from H., and I can't say anything more without giving away the hilarious punchline:

I caught the 17 a few days ago, but just barely, he was gunning it down McDermot towards Main Street. A red light stopped him, and we managed to hop on. There were only two other people on board, both quite little and round, and fast asleep at the very front. As we headed to the back, the driver took the corner with such alacrity I lost my balance, and though I grabbed the pole I wound up swinging around helplessly right onto the two snoozing passengers. I couldn't right myself due to the driver's extreme speed and really squashed them, knocking off the lady's hat and nearly bringing us all to the ground. I finally called out, "Help! Help!", to my friend and he dashed back and pulled me off the heap. I turned around to apologize, and they hadn't woken in the slightest! The driver was not nearly as relaxed, apparently.

The Crotch Grabber

Here's a similar story to Ayden's story about grabbing a guy's head to break her fall. This time Jennifer grabs a guy's crotch. I don't think there's anything to apologize for, I'm sure the guy didn't mind at all:

When I was about 8 months pregnant I was huge and clumsy. I was taking the bus home one day and attempted to get up to exit when the bus suddenly accelerated and sent me flying sideways. I put out my hand to try and find something to steady myself and ended up falling - hand first- into some guys crotch. He didn't even flinch and helped me right myself. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the man with the balls of steel for breaking my fall.